Finet Mortgage of Saratoga Big Basin Way, Saratoga

I went to meet with Mr. Dave Eshelman, the owner of the business, some years back. Before we could start discussing anything business related, he ended up throwing me into a makeshift prison or torture chamber in the basement of a nearby academic building. He had me chained up down there for about 6 days, not that I was aware of this as there were no windows or any way to tell what time it was. He did feed me, and for that, I'll give him 1 star. However, he would consistently beat me with a wooden club if I refused to call him "John Wayne". I wasn't the only person in his makeshift dungeon though, there was a good handful of us down there, all chained up and being routinely beaten by Mr. Eshelman. On the last day of my time in this dungeon, he was literally just about to force one of the other captives to anally rape me. Luckily, just before the tip went in, someone opened up one of the locked exit doors and freed me and all the other prisoners. I was free from the captivity of Dave "John Wayne" Eshelman, and for my troubles, I was given $90. I have to say, based on the way the owner, Mr. Eshelman behaved those 6 days, I can't recommend him to anybody else looking to discuss mortgages. The man's a psychopath, masquerading as a normal businessman by day. But once the sun goes down, he'll show you his true colors. I googled his name and found that this is pretty consistent behavior for him. Look him up and see for yourself. A real sick, deranged, pathological man that Dave Eshelman is. I feel bad for anyone that has to suffer his physical and psychological abuse, especially his family and/or pets if he has any. To clarify, this is satire, but you should still google him because it's really not far from the truth ¯\_(ツ)_/¯